I'm sitting in my lovely living room with a punnet of strawberries and a cup of hot water with lemon, watching the birds on the bird feeder in the blossom tree outside my window, and it felt like a good time to write a blog post. I have consciously tried to take a little step away from my social media and blog recently because I felt like it was beginning to take me away from the moment if you know what I mean. I don't like seeing every breakfast, craft project or special moment with my kids as a potential instagram moment. It's all too easy to get lost In a virtual world that way, and forget to really savour what is happening at that moment in your life. I think this was one thing in a long list of things I have inadvertently got caught up in that has taken away a bit of my sparkle in recent weeks. So I've spent this week making a few changes to help me get back on track. This is the first day I've felt a little more like myself, and I wanted to get it all down in words, partly as a reminder to myself if I start to slip back down that path , and partly because I am pretty certain I'm not the only mum out there who feels this way from time to time, and it's good to share and let each other know it's ok to get low points and that you will be able to pick yourself up and get back on it.
I think as busy mums it is all too easy to get caught up in putting everyone else's needs first, caring for everyone around you and in the process forgetting to care for oneself, but you can't pour from an empty cup, and ultimately trying to keep on giving without stopping to fill up your cup so to speak is not going to benefit anyone in your life. I think this can apply even more so in some respects to a home educating mother. There is never a time during the day when you are able to switch off, as your every waking moment is spent with your children and focused around them. I had started to feel almost a little resentful this past few weeks that this is the case, but I had to remind myself that I chose this way of life and that I love this way of life. My children are just living the life we have created for them, they are not consciously depriving me of 'me time'. And nor was my very lovely husband demanding anything of me or asking me to go without time for myself. The only person putting pressure on me to accomplish all my responsibilities perfectly and never pause to replenish my energy was ME. I was feeling guilty because I didn't feel I had done enough housework/played with the kids enough/ cooked healthy enough meals/ created interesting learning opportunities.....the list goes on. I was even worrying about tidying up the garden and walking the dog. Ironically I was spending so much time worrying about my perceived failures that I was creating a negative atmosphere in our home and making myself unwell in the process, so far from making things better by putting so much pressure on myself, I was actually making it far worse for everyone around me.But when I stop and actually look at the reality, my children are happy and well fed, have a busy social life and are learning all day every day without my intervention , my home is clean and (mostly) tidy.....what am I worrying about?! I am pretty certain all mums beat themselves up like this from time to time. But as my husband always says, worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but doesn't get you anywhere! I think part of the problem is that 'self care' is still sometimes perceived as selfish or indulgent. But in reality it is so essential, I mean how can we function properly in our role as care givers if we are running on empty?! Anyway, I do get this way from time to time but this time I really hit rock bottom, I feel like I burned myself out. My skin broke out so badly that I felt embarrassed to go out, in spite of me drinking tons of water and having a really healthy plant based diet without sugar or dairy. I felt fatigued all the time and grumpy. I cry a lot anyway as I'm an emotional person but my crying got ridiculous, I feel like I spent most of my days crying. Despite feeling constantly exhausted, I couldn't sleep.
So what have I done about this situation? First off, I went to my homeopath. She is really great and I have great confidence in her as she has helped my children with a number of ailments that the doctor was unable to sort out. She helped me to see that I need to slow down and take some time to relax and reenergise each day. She gave me some remedies to help balance my hormones. After taking the remedies I felt so so awful, my lymph glands swelled up and I had a constant ear ache, my skin got much worse overnight. But I know this is just a build up of toxins flushing itself out of my body. It never ceases to amaze me how connected our emotional health and our physical health are. I also went and got myself some Epsom salts and lavender oil, and I've been making time every other evening to run myself an Epsom salt bath with oils and rather than my usual look at Pinterest while I soak, I've been listening to Ludovico Einaudi and reading some of the classics. I was actually quite amazed by how long it took me to switch off and really relax without my I pad, it scared me a bit how dependent I am on my devices, I kept wanting to pick up my I pad to check various things and it was a real conscious effort not to use it. So I have decided that I will only use my devices during the day, evenings before bed is switch off and wind down time. I also make some time to do a little gentle Pilates before I go to sleep. And during each day I have given myself just half an hour after lunch to sit down with a drink and relax. I am taking a course of milk thistle to cleanse my liver and help with the detoxing process. I can't tell you how much these small changes have made a difference to me. I'm sleeping better and just feel so much more relaxed and positive in general. I'm still not 100% but I'm on my way.
Today was a good day. Without putting pressure on myself, I got all my housework and grocery shopping done, did a bit of work in the garden, sat and read with the girls and learned about the skeletal system from their fabulous human body book their Grampy got for them, and watched them create the most incredible natural history watercolours and write their own poems related to their illustrations, completely off their own backs just because they wanted to. There's a healthy dinner in the oven and I've found time to sit down and write this blog post. The funny thing is, the only thing that has really changed is my perspective. Because I feel so much more positive, positive things happened. And the reason my perspective has changed is mainly because I've taken some time to look after myself. So that's it, from now on self care is something I am going to make a priority, and I'm not going to feel guilty about it. It benefits my family ultimately, and I hope it will give the girls an example to follow in terms of looking after their body and mind properly. I have never done this before in my life, so I'm looking forward to seeing what a difference it can make. All you tired mum's out there....I really urge you to make some time for yourself and don't feel bad about it, it's not selfish, it's just good sense.
Steph xx
